John-Luke Roberts strides on stage almost starkers, head bedecked in faux foliage. ‘Do nit lik at my cak,’ he says, in character as smutty, Anglo-Saxon-esque storyteller, Geoffrey Chaucer. His body is swathed in a blanket that is inches away from exposing his, er, jingle balls. Oops. The innuendo-fuelled revelry has only just begun.
Thankfully, Bec Hill enters and paints a picture of what we’re about to see within seconds. A wholesome Christmas story, no saggy satsumas in sight. A magical tale of everyone’s favourite street creatures and the trash-turned-treasure they bring at the most wonderful time of the year. She finishes with a reconstruction of a movie subject to much debate. Is it a Christmas film? Who could say, but the pull-out storybook style is delightful and to die (hard) for.
Bex Turner bursts on stage and takes on noughties teenage stereotypes with her signature offbeat humour and dedicated characterisation. As deliberate dribble descends down her chin, an audience member extends a tissue earnestly from the crowd. She bats them away with a smile. Turner would be the undoubted winner of ‘best impression of a mainstream female comedian from Newcastle’, were such an award to exist.
Bilal Zafar serves a starter of stand-up for the evening’s entertainment. He reveals why mocktails are a scam, makes a mockery of middle class nonsense and unveils the previously unspoken rules of baby names. He’s concerned about how much time he has left, but when our host grants him a few more minutes, a voice bellows, ‘It’s not a miracle, it’s Geoffrey Chaucer.’
After the interval, we soon find out that Chaucer has been displaced by an old crone. Boo! Catch-up with her and bedeck her faintly phallic nose with baubles at your peril. She makes her way into the audience, extending her plethora of pendulous breasts to audience members in need of a squeeze. It is Christmas, after all.
Lachlan Werner appears with his puppet/sex pest friend, Brew. She demands a real sexy time, but the ingénue Werner would much prefer a PG performance. The pair sing, bicker and knock on doors for a festive game of trick or treat. Ding dong! Werner’s ventriloquism skills never fail to impress, and he plays the role of the innocent-ish imp to perfection. A highlight of the evening.
Joz Norris was due to appear on the bill, but he somehow seems to have been replaced with Hugh Jackman? Except, he doesn’t appear to be doing so well. He’s gone out into the audience with claws on, and seems to (erroneously) think we want him to sing. Send a medic, please!
The variety of themes covered by the performers at this supposedly festive show does feel somewhat erratic, but perhaps that’s the point. There’s little of Christmas to be seen, but the stereotypes you may find at a medieval fayre stand true. There’s the artist, the jester, the bard, the imp and the one who thinks he’s a star. Amidst them all shines the bare bottom of John-Luke Roberts – a faux rose wedged firmly between his cheeks.
John-Luke Roberts: Geoffrey Chaucer’s Mediaeval Christmas Festivitye is a filthy, fun-filled festive extravaganza that will leave you with a warm, fuzzy feeling in your own nether regions. There surely can’t be a better festive occasion for medieval innuendo fans, of which there are many. Spare a thought for the poor comedian with no clothes this Christmas, and buy a ticket in a town near you?
Reviewed on 1 December 2025.
The Reviews Hub Star Rating
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8
