Writer: Simon Nye
Director: Sean Foley
It must have seemed like the perfect comedy idea – one of the great heist stories of history, some royal treasures, a wily master criminal with a real name better than any fiction could create and one of history’s bawdiest monarchs – but it has all gone wrong for Simon Nye. Like its protagonist Captain Blood, the plan for the Garrick Theatre’s summer show flounders and The Crown Jewels fails to cart off the goods, leaving the audience trapped in its towering nonsense.
About to celebrate his 10-year jubilee, King Charles II is looking forward to wearing the sacred ornaments of his office, little knowing that the Irish Captain Blood is plotting to steal them from their poorly guarded home in the Tower of London. Hoodwinking the family in charge of these treasures into believing he has a match for their unmarried daughter, Blood and his gang are caught in the act.
The Crown Jewels ultimately makes very little of what could have been an exciting adventure plot. It loosely follows the principles of the heist story from careful planning and reconnaissance, through execution of the idea and into the inevitable derailing of the plot, yet all of that is compressed into very little stage time in Act One that quickly deals with the bare essentials of this story. Nye instead jettisons jeopardy and daring conspiracy for weak subplots and boys club bawdy humour.
The remainder of the play is largely padding – penis jokes, funny wigs, silly accents and a running joke about hating the Dutch and sometimes the French or Irish that was probably hilarious in 1671. The jokes themselves are long drawn-out affairs, the performers making the most of the build up before delivering a weak punchline. At other times lead Al Murray is given free reign in his monarchical role to spend time joshing with members of the audience, which he does, also at length for a long period in Act One. Mel Giedroyc does the same in Act Two when playing a French noblewoman who is in the court for no reason other than to descend into the audience. None of this has anything to do with the plot but it eats up some time.
If Blood’s plan for the heist was poorly thought through, then so is Nye’s structure for The Crown Jewels which includes three sets of characters – Blood’s gang, Charles’ court and the Edwards family who guard the jewels – who intersect across the show but with little clear purpose. As a result, unfinished plot points abound including a woman who desperately wants a husband (as all young women surely do), a bad actress looking for a role, stunted love affairs and plenty of pointless characters including Neil Morrissey’s Captain Perrot who does nothing but shout something incomprehensible from the sidelines. None of this ever gels and Nye seems confused whether his story driver is the heist, the jubilee or giving his leads a place to freestyle in fancy hairpieces.
There are some good moments; Giedroyc is often amusing while Michael Taylor uses clever set design to reduce the playing space at the Garrick by a third and has introduced an ingenious revolving door to speed scene transitions. Carrie Hope Fletcher also sings well even if the songs are shoe-horned into this show especially for her. But while The Crown Jewels may have a glittery cast, there is no comedy gold to be found.
Runs until 16 September 2023
The Reviews Hub Score:
Largely padding
