In this series of brief interviews, cruise ship worker, wannabe performer and celebrity stalker Lance talks about fame with the boldest and brightest names at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Lance also hosts his un-famous chat show “Late with Lance!” every day at 2:30pm at the Counting House. Fame may cost, but the show and this blog are free. www.LanceShow.com
Hi everybody! My name’s Lance. What’s yours? I got to talk with Abigoliah Schamaun who’s telling (almost) all in her comedy show, Post-Coital Confessions. I wondered what Abigoliah really thought about fame and here’s what she said…
Lance: Hello, Abigoliah Schamaun! Is that your name?
Abigoliah Schamaun: Yes! You said it right. My real name is Abigail Schamaun, but I decided to go with Abigoliah Schamaun because all the really famous stars have a unique first name. You know – Madonna Cher, Tom Cruise. All of them. And I’m easy to Google. As Abigoliah, I’m the only Abigoliah in the world.
I’ve been Googling your name for years. Just like you! So, when did you first realize you were famous?
I suppose it was my first dance recital when I was nine years old. We did a song from Aladdin. The one with the Genie…(she sings)
Yup. Got it. Thanks.
And it was me and about 14 other girls and I was in the back left corner of the dance ensemble – and then and there I knew that even though I was in the back, everyone was looking at me. Mostly because I was always off step, but …
Sometimes it’s the shortest one or the one who’s not white that gets noticed. So, how much did it cost you to become famous?
At first, it’s not expensive at all, ya know? But then, it’s really what kind of eyeliner are you buying.
Speaking of eyeliner, how much do you think Liza Minnelli spent to be famous?
Oh my gosh. She’s a legend. She spent all the money!
How about Hugh Jackman?
I mean, the man did have metal implanted into his own body in order to be a movie star, didn’t he? That’s quite expensive in itself. He gave his own soul to the devil. I think that’s what it cost him.
But it’s the same as you, really. I found some footage of you on Google and you were putting metal through your mouth parts.
Yeah, well, ya know…it worked for Hugh Jackman. I thought it would work for me and it didn’t. So I’ll just go back to eyeliner and dick jokes. The Liza Minnelli route.
What’s the worst thing about fame?
I would suppose it’s those moments when you go into a fancy restaurant like a Pizza Express and there’s a line and it’s that awkward moment where you try to explain who you are to the hostess and why you deserve seating first and they just don’t understand and they get it but they’re intimidated by you so they don’t know what to do so you wind up having to wait like a normal person.
What do you think is the best thing about fame?
All the standing ovations that you get. I actually like the standing ovations. Every Edinburgh I get tens of people coming to see me, and it really does mean a lot.
Sometimes the audience is standing just to get out of the theater faster! Hey, how do you think people become famous at the Edinburger Fringe festival?
I think it’s really important to spend a lot of money on a big poster and I think you’ve gotta be Tweeting all the time. If you can get in feud, that’s really helpful. And get badges made so people wear them around. Kind of the last thing you need to worry about is actually writing the show. That comes last.
Speaking of writing things, did you ever see the film Fame and what did you like?
I liked it when they sang the song Fame and did the pirouettes around the school.
And that’s why it was called Fame – from the song Fame.
Yeah. Then I got it, cuz up until that point I was like, “I don’t understand this movie at all.”
Let’s dance around this question…who’s the most famous person you know?
Well, I don’t wanna brag, but I go to a yoga studio here in London and one time I took class next to Helena Bonham Carter…and I feel that she was pretending to be uncomfortable with the amount of staring I was doing, but I think we made a connection and we’re pals. Like, I haven’t seen her since, but I know she talks about me. We’re close.
You found each other through downward dog. That’s a stretch! What advice would you give me about becoming famous in Edinburger?
All those flyers that you bought? Turn them into a beautiful gown, which you wear while you’re flyering.
I bet if you set it on fire, you’ll get even more attention!
And again, it’s about the stunts. It’s not about the actual product.
That comedy critic Copstick said the same exact thing but she also said to get my tongue up as many arseholes as possible.
Well she would know. She is a kinky little bitch, isn’t she?
I have no idea, but judging by the name of your show, I think you might be too! Thanks for chatting Abigoliah, and good luck on your success!
This NYC comic reflects on her own amorous affairs then asks: what’s the weirdest thing you’ve been told post-coitus? Sometimes it’s bizarre, other times it makes you fall in love. But it’s always interesting and often a bit wrong. Winner Moth StorySLAM, NYC. Gilded Balloon.