‘I Hate rants.’
It’s piss-taking when folks spew and spit and spout off. I hate when people fume and fulminate. I hate when people go on and on about what they hate, especially shallow superficial problems.
I must say, it does rile me up
* When you have to wash all the food off your plate before putting it in a dishwasher – a machine allegedly designed to keep you from having to ‘’wash all the food off your plate’’.
* When the self-checkout monitor at the grocery store tells you to get help from an attendant, an attendant you wanted to avoid which is why you went to the self-checkout line in the first place.
* When you put a car in reverse and the ‘you-are-now-backing-up beep’ begins to beep inside your car and you don’t know why it’s beeping inside the car …and not outside, because you already know you are backing up…you don’t need a beeper to tell you that. You need a beeper to warn other people …people outside the car…that you are backing up.
* When you say Black Lives Matter and they reply with #Alllivesmatter (totally missing the point of the phrase)
*When you say #Allmen and they reply in opposite effect, with their favourite uncouth argumentative stance of #notallmen (which in itself is a garden-variety of sexism).
*When they can clearly see a double-barrelled name but choose to only call the bearer by the first name-word of their own choice, as if it’s an error to have been christened that. (Rude!).
Oh! Are those rants too? No, I wasn’t.
Where was I?
Yea, I just hate Rants.
Ranters come in all stripes these days. They rant on the radio, YouTube, Twitter and variegated websites and the ever so consuming Instagram – rant for the gram, Tik Tokers have joined the madness. Alec Baldwin raves. Piers Morgan rips. 5OCent roils. Jonathan Pie and Russell Kane rant and rant. They rant on TV and everywhere else.
You can like the ranter, but hate the rant. Or vice versa. There was a time when ranting was pretty much the province of politicians, preachers and the occasional pub patron. That has changed.
Today, comedians rant: Comic Dennis Miller wrote a book: I Rant, Therefore I Am. Athletes rant: Boxer Anthony Joshua ranted recently about his performance in a match. Mike Tyson did too. Put together a list of renowned ranters and be sure to include Russell Brand over American politics on Realtime with Bill Maher, Danny Dyer on Good Evening Britain, and countless others who have gone on tirades.
Computers and the Internet have made it really easy to rant, ‘’It has made everyone overly opinionated”. People commandeer comments sections. They mess up message boards. They overshare and overbear.
Although, I reckon there should be certain Laws of a Good Rant:
1) Don’t be afraid to let it out.
2) Keep things PG — would you want your children to read this?
3) Have fun. A good rant should always make you feel better afterwards.
But does it?
Number 2’s gone out the window. Today, you can never rant and feel fulfilled without swearing, inappropriate diction and, of course, savage tagging of your supposed enemies.
“When some people rant, it opens up a Pandora’s box. “It leads to feelings about being so angry and out of control. For many people, ranting is a dead end. It goes nowhere.
Cyberpsychology, Behaviour and Social Networking research reveals that ranting online may not necessarily lead to a more peaceful mood.
American rants are usually solo affairs. They wail at the TV. They rail at the radio. They even rage against the machines. Here in England, we rant at each other. (hmm… I like this line. I think I might work it into my audacious solo show PER-SO-NA. or not)
Experts say it’s healthy to go on a rant every now and then because what negative emotions don’t get expressed end up getting stored in the body, making us either physically or mentally unwell. They say when you express a negative emotion like anger you need to express it in a healthy way, scream into a basin or water, punch a bag or some pillows.
But I say… ‘’If my actions, words or behaviour trigger you into an emotion, then you’re the one with deep-seated internal issues that need resolving, Trust me!”
You should definitely come and see more of my distinct style and language, in my edifying one-woman show PER-SO-NA ‘Sexuality is a Buffet, Not a Set Menu’ at South London Fringe Venue; The Bridge House Theatre from 29 September – 2 October 2021.