08.37: Wake up. Check the calendar. July 15th, circled in blood. It’s today: I’m drinking a lot of alcohol today. And people are paying to watch it.
11.46: Showrunner check in. Phone call from the producer to check I’m ship-shape for getting Shit-faced. The usual questions:
‘Do you want to drink?’
‘Yes.’
‘Any deep-seated resentment towards another cast member which may surface on stage tonight once you’ve drank a lot of booze?’
‘No more than usual.’
‘Any driving tests or Bar Mitzvahs booked in for tomorrow?’
‘All clear.’
‘Let’s get you some gin.’
15.01: Drink up begins at Leicester Square Theatre. First gin & tonic of the day.
15.32: Buy a Wok to Walk for stomach lining.
15.58: I listen to the same Dire Straits song for the fifth time running much to the dismay of my fellow cast mates. But I’m drinking today and there’s only one DJ. And that DJ’s just spilled Saigon sauce on his lap.
17.30: The next 1.5 hours drift by. We listen to music, play some games.
18.16: WHAM. I’m drunk. I don’t know when exactly it happened, but it’s hit me like a freight train that freights gin.
18.17: DOUBLE WHAM. I’m in my pants in the dressing room and someone is thrusting a mic at me yelling that we’ve got to do a mic check before house opens in 10 minutes. I drunkenly slur the words “that sounds like a you problem, bozo” or words to that effect. But I’m a professional grown adult so I duly adopt the foetal position and allow someone to tuck the microphone pack into my pants.
18.59: About to go on. WHAT THE FU*K WAS I THINKING
21.23: Curtain Call. I remember approximately 63% of it. Well 63% of the first half. I have 0% recollection of the second. I am reliably informed that my character, Romeo, ran off with friar, murdered Lord Capulet, and framed Juliet for the murder. And then peed himself a little.
21.25: Water hour. Where one drinks water until one’s sufficiently sobered up to re-join the human race. I’ll be out within the hour.
00.24: Who knew a water hour could last over 3 hours? Turns out I was drunker than I thought. Drunker? Is that a word? Drunker? More drunk?
00.42: Finally released into the wild and feelin’ fine. There’s a dash of Saigon on the collar and more than a whiff of hope in the air. Acquire a double cheeseburger.
00.43: Dropped burger. Engaged in a Mexican stand-off with a seagull and a hungry human statue.
01.49: The seagull won tonight, as did Shakespearean Theatre.
Sh!t-faced Shakespeare®: Much Ado About Nothing plays at Leicester Square Theatre until 9 September 2023
