With A Chorus Line castings on the horizon, the West End is echoing with the sound of ‘Step, kick, kick, leap, kick, touch… again!’ and the mock/serious use of the phrase, ‘God I hope I get it’. By all that is except one… yours truly.
I’m not one to be ungrateful for work but the thought of performing in a musical based around a dance call, the one thing that stops me ever getting a job, just seems disturbed. It is like a farm of ants building themselves a giant magnifying-glass to be scorched to death with or Michelle McManus buying a house made of Mars bars – pointless and torturous.
This aside, I am not much of a dancer anyway. Sure I can bevel with the best of them, and a triple time step comes as easy as crabs to a West End ensemble, but the thought of an open audition for a show ABOUT an open audition with choreography that you need to wear an all in one spandex, high-thighed, luminous leotard to even consider attempting makes my bingo wings ache.
What’s my point? My point is, ACL is a great show, I can’t wait to see it but, really, it’s everything I hate…
Firstly, an open dance call in a theatre? Far too glamorous – shove them all in a sardine can of a rehearsal room with no windows and the ones that are still breathing by the end get a recall.
Secondly, you make the cut and the choreographer wants to hear what you’ve got to say about yourself. P-LEASE! They don’t give a crap if you’ve killed your family and hidden them in your freezer. If you know the choreographer (biblically or just from numerous air kisses) you will get a recall.
Thirdly, none of them leave because they thought the dance call would only be an hour long and they told work they’d be there for the late shift. Unrealistic. Equity might have something to say about keeping people there for the entire length of a film even if it is starring Michael Douglas.
Lastly, the people auditioning: Sheila is so old she would never go to a dance first audition. She would have told her agent she only wants to do ‘serious acting jobs’ a long time ago. Mark would have taken that contract in Disneyland Paris and be shacked up with Pier by now. Kristine would be pregnant and baking cakes for her obviously abusive and steroid taking husband, Mike would be blacklisted for being so cocky, Val would be making a fortune at Stringfellow’s doing extras on the side and Cassie… well, Cassie would still just be ‘popping her head’ – popping it right down Zach’s trousers and bagging the lead rôle with her own dressing room and every other matinée off.
Enjoy your auditions folks!